It's crazy how fast your nails grow when you start working out. Just sayin! I still can't run very far, but I get better every day. I'm so proud of myself to have finally committed to something. Too bad I can't commit to a relationship. I see the irony of this and I laugh. The boy and I are back to the...dating but not dating stage. I miss him. He misses me. But he's also leaving soon, so there's no sense in getting back together to have to break up again in a few months. It FINALLY rained today. Now if my eyes would just stop itching. I think I may fail my speech class. I didn't make my first speech because I was too nervous.

I have finished the Dead Like Me series. It's amazing. And so is the soundtrack. I spent a good 30 minutes yesterday trying to find this one song and I have been rewarded greatly, thank you ITunes. Also, the soundtrack from The Princess and The Frog is also amazing. I also say that about every Disney soundtrack. I can relate to the song "Dig A Little Deeper" in particular right now. I'm having to dig deep in myself to motivate myself to get off my ass everyday. To not sleep all day. To sleep more at night. To find a second job. To get into the CJ program at ASU. I don't know where I'll end up, but I'm not staying where I am.

Not really...but I am off to a good start. Didn't lose or gain any weight this week, which is frustrating, but at least I didn't gain anything back. I've been trying very hard to not eat everything in sight. I've also been trying to keep busy, which isn't too hard. This summer is going to be interesting, and hard. Andrew's leaving in June. I feel like it's creeping up faster and faster. All I want to do is stop time and just be with him. I know one day I'm going to have to move on, but until then I'll just stay where I'm at.

After a lot of thought and pondering, I've decided that whining about my life and my "oh poor me..I'm alone" attitude is getting me NO WHERE. I'm better than that. Way better. I've decided I'm going to do something good for myself and get into shape...and it won't be round. I weighed myself today and it was...not pretty. While I have lost weight, I'm still really fucking fat. I'm not morbidly obese, but I'm not healthy. And I'm leaning on unhealthy side of life. I'm sorry. I was raised in the south. Anything sweet, fried, and generally bad for me is what I want. Today I was good. But I did eat peanut butter m&ms. I'm going to try to walk at least 3 times a day. If I do it, yay. If I don't...I'm a bad person. I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can be out of bed before 3. We'll see how this goes.

Dealing with this break up has made me do funny things. I sleep all day because I have nothing to do. I’m looking into a second job so I’m not sitting at home all day just watching TV. I took out my piercings today. I’ve had all of them since I was a teenager. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, but I know if I don’t I’ll go crazy, and that won’t be good.

Sometimes I miss him so much I can’t breathe. Other times I tell myself I did the right thing because I had doubts. I think the fact that he’s the first person I’ve ever loved, truly loved, is what’s getting to me most. The other night I think I finally went off the deep end. I thought I wanted to drive to Biloxi by myself at midnight. I ended up turning around after getting about 50 miles down the highway. I cried the whole way home. I wonder if I’m doomed to feel this way my whole life. Like I’m missing a piece of my heart that I’ll never find.

I see all of these people around me and I wonder how they function. How is it so easy for them? Maybe it’s not as easy as it looks, or maybe I’m looking too hard. Maybe I’m not really noticing the things about life that I need to. I know that it takes time for things like this to heal. But what if it doesn’t? What if I’m stuck here for the rest of my life? Stuck loving someone I wasn’t meant to be with in the first place. I think Jack Johnson said it best…”Sometimes time doesn’t heal…”

I’ve been out of a relationship for a few weeks now and I HATE dating. It’s fucking stupid. I joined a dating website (okcupid.com) to try and make it easier…and it doesn’t. All of the people that I might possibly have a chance with live elsewhere and I don’t feel like I’m good enough to talk to a lot of the people on there. I’m not like other people. I know this. I’ll never be “normal” and I’m ok with that…but will everyone else be? My ex and I are trying to be friends, and so far it’s working out…if we could just stop sleeping together. I know how it starts because it starts the same every time. I usually start it. I just can’t get over the physical attraction I have for this guy. He is literally the hottest person I’ve ever met. I love everything about his body. But yet, even though we’re sleeping together, I know that it can’t last. I’m pretty much an emotional wreak right now. I’m getting better. I won’t be over this for quite some time. It’s going to take sometime to get used to being alone all of the time. It’s going to take time for me to think about my ex and not wish I could be back with him. I wish I had something else to devote my heart to. There’s this other guy at work that I’ve been interested in for almost a year. We flirt back and forth, but nothing ever comes of it.

Last weekend I got a hotel room so I could get out of my parents house and he came over. Nothing happened. Nothing. I was so disappointed. My ex came over the next night and we ended up having sex. The one guy I need to get away from I can’t because my heart is still involved (and my sex drive.) The one guy I’m interested in right now doesn’t seem to want me but yet…I don’t know. I really don’t. I was in the car with the other guy because he needed a ride to pick up the part for his car, which I game him the money for, and he said, “You’re awesome, I love you.” I told him that he was just bullshitting. That he didn’t love me. He said, “You don’t know how I feel about you.” I had no response. None. I just had no idea of what to say. I didn’t think there was anything I could say. Tonight I ordered food for everyone I was at work with. Including the other guy. He asked me how I feel about Thai food, which is a dumb question, the asked me if I wanted to go get some one day, as payback for everything I’ve done for him. Is this a date?? I’m not sure. I don’t want to ask for fear of him getting scared and our relationship at work getting weird so I’m trying to just forget I have feelings for him. Which is starting to be impossible.

I wish there was a button I could push to see the future so I know what choice to make. The bad thing about the other guy is he does drugs. Total pothead. Not good for me. But I’m attracted to him for some odd reason. I think it’s that he’s skinny. And he has long hair that makes me drool, big puddles of drool. I’m ready to just bang my head on something until it’s pulp.

The Good

1. You don’t have to shave your legs as often! (Or arm pits, for that matter…)
2. If you want to work all the time you can.
3. You can finally get in that weekend road trip with your girlfriends.
4. Your schoolwork actually gets done…on time.

The Bad

1. Everyone is going to be asking you if you’re ok. All the time.
2. You don’t have to shave your legs as often…because no one is touching them.
3. You work all the time to keep busy so you don’t have to think about it.
4. That weekend road trip? Yea. No.
5. Your schoolwork may get done, but you’re so distracted it’s not right.
6. Showers are no longer fun because it’s become your place to cry.
7. That hot co-worker you were eyeing? Forget it. You only wanted him because you couldn’t have him. And now you don’t want him. Don’t go there.
8. You may have friends and family to help you get through, but they aren’t what you want. What you want is your best friend back.

The Ugly

1. Your friends will eventually get tired of hearing you cry. And you will. All the time.
2. The freezer at work is not a good place to be found in the fetal position. Don’t try that.
3. Everywhere you look you will find things that remind you of this person. Cars. Delis. Movies. Everything.
4. All those movie/concert/everything you saved? You’re going to keep them. Forever.
5. Your dog may just become the best thing going when it comes to cuddling.

I recently took a trip to Longmont, Colorado to spend Christmas with my boyfriend’s family. Being the person I am, I was a complete mess before we left. Understandable if you know me, it also happened to be my first Christmas away from home. I’m not an unsocial person…but I’m not exactly what you would call a social butterfly either. I like my privacy and to be frank, I don’t really enjoy meeting new people. It’s akin to someone peeling my skin off. Dramatic? Yes. True? Hell yes. Now, some background to this story…I’ve been in the States since I was a year old. I’m a military brat and my parents met overseas. Our first station state side was Columbus, Mississippi. We were there until I was about halfway through kindergarten.

Our second station, where I currently reside, was Montgomery, Alabama. I’ve been here since I was five. While I have lived very briefly in Chicago and traveled with my family, Montgomery is the only place I’ve ever really known, but I also know it’s not the only place out there. Now! Are you caught up? Ok. Good. Here we go. My boyfriend was flying out of Atlanta. I flew out of Montgomery because my mom got me a free ticket with her frequent flyer miles. (Yes, I’m spoiled. Get over it.) The plan was that we were supposed to meet in Atlanta and fly on to Denver together. That plan did not happen. It usually takes about three hours to drive to Atlanta from where we are on a good day. On a bad day it can take up to four or five hours. My dumb ass of a boyfriend, whom I love and adore, did not account for the construction traffic that he ran into and missed his flight. Not even my sobbing and explaining that I was going to meet my possible future mother in law helped. No, Delta was heartless and cruel to my plight. I boarded my flight to meet my doom…I mean his parents…alone.

After being on the plane a good 30 minutes or so, and after realizing that what was done was done, and my boyfriend is an idiot for not accounting for traffic, I calmed down and enjoyed the free WiFi that Delta had to offer thanks to a promotion they were running. I kept myself occupied with my favorite pastime…. Face Book creeping. One of my friends just happened to be online and just happened to like me enough to call the boy and find out what was going on. He would be in Denver at midnight. A mere five hours after my flight landed. I was to spend this time waiting on him with his parents. Oh. Fuck. What if I messed up?!?!

What if I said the wrong thing?? It’s ok…it’s ok…I got this!! Or do I? Ensue panic attack…end scene…my plane lands in Denver. I must say I absolutely LOVE the Denver airport. It literally is the BEST AIRPORT EVEEERRRR!!! EVER! (I’m done, I’m done…) While I was entertained greatly by my boyfriend’s parents, sitting in an airport for hours on end is BORING. Terrible. Think of the worst adjective you can and insert it here. Midnight finally came and his plane landed. YAYYYYYYYYYY! I can go home and go to sleep! But this did not happen right away. Apparently when I said I wanted to see some snow God misunderstood some snow for a shit ton. And it started almost as soon as I landed in Denver…or shortly there after. Great. I’m tired, crabby, and I have to put up with someone I don’t know very well driving through snow. I’ll just try to ignore this. Ignoring someone else’s driving is really easy when you have a hot boy to cuddle with in the backseat. We made it home in what seemed like no time. And then we stayed up late talking once we got there. The next day I woke up early. I’m an insomniac. I don’t sleep well in my own bed, let alone a strange bed in a strange house. I went downstairs and his parents were already up. No big deal. More alone time…awesome…I was starting to like them for the most part, so this was somewhat ok. Time went by and my boyfriend woke up. As did his sister. Who is 14. And obnoxious. His mother suggested he call his grandparents, just to let them know he made it.

I knew that his family liked the speakerphone option. I found this out at Thanksgiving. They seem to be one of those crazy families that actually like talking to each other, Very unlike my own. I was sort of paying attention, but not really. I heard his parents mention that I kept calling them sir and ma’am. I’m so sorry that I have manners and that those manners get on your nerves. I’m from the South. It’s engrained in my head. Get over it. I also heard them ask if I wanted to talk. Um, let me think…No…I don’t know you. “So the sir and ma’am thing is a respect for elders thing, but yet she won’t speak to us?” I heard his grandmother say. Needless to say, I was a little…perturbed. Really lady??? REALLY?? Seriously? You suck. I no longer want to meet you. The drama passed. I moved on, somewhat and We all ate breakfast and then decided to get ready to go see his other sister who was at work. I look over at my boyfriend who’s whispering something to his sister. Next thing I know she’s hugging me. Death stare towards the boyfriend. I do not, under any circumstances, like people I don’t know touching me. At all. He knows this. I wanted to stab him. But instead I just peeled myself away from her and tried to be ok with it.

But I wasn’t. I’m still trying to figure out why he gets such a kick out of making me feel like an awkward bastard…is he really that much of a dick or does he think it’s funny? Or is it both? It’s probably both. Who knows. I had taken my shower and was putting on makeup to look somewhat human. The next thing I know his mother has a fucking camera in my face taking pictures of me. I tried to laugh it off. I really did. But I really do not like people taking my picture. Hate it. With the fiery passion of 1000 suns. GET THE GOD DAMN CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!! YOU’RE TRAUMATIZING ME! I don’t care that you think I’m cute. I don’t give a flying fuck what you think. You’re annoying me and I really want you to leave. Now. The day moves on.

We go see his other sister at Starbucks. I’m a little overwhelmed at this point. Not only because I’m out with his family, but because we’re also in a crowded store. I have decided at this point to just ignore his younger sister. She annoys me. A lot. At this point is still has not stopped snowing. I’ve gotten over the urge to have them just drop me back off at the airport, somewhat, and I’m trying to enjoy myself. I don’t have to work. I don’t have to deal with anything at home. I do miss my mother. I’m a momma’s girl, so it’s ok. Our first day was rather uneventful for the most part. Hopefully I’ll find time to finish the rest of the story….

I checked my journal for the first time in a long time and saw that it's been 48 weeks since I updated. Wow. Everything is good. I've gained and lost some people in my life. I'm on the upside of happy. I got a new computer. It's a Mac. And I love it. That's all I have time for.

I have decided, along with many others, to lose weight this year. I have a buddy doing it with me, so it shouldn't be too hard. So as I sit here eating my FAT FREE (!!!) cottage cheese and drinking my.....*gulp* Slim Fast I keep thinking to myself...is this worth it?? Is giving up smoking and Taco Bell worth it?? And then...then comes the rationality part of it all. The part that kicks in and sends me a vision of the last time I went to the doctor...and the heavy news that I would soon develop diabetes at 23 if I didn't get my weight down. Lovely!! So not only am I going to die from being obese, I'm not going to have any legs. Yes dears, it is time to become slim, trim, and absolutly FLAB-U-LESS!! :)

Dear Michael-

So. How's life? Yea, I'm okay. I'm better now that you're not around. It's been about 3 months since you left that message on my voice mail. "I just don't feel the same." You said that. Hope the military life makes you happy. I also hope you and Heidi are happy together. What's that you say? You're just friends. I see. Well...fuck that. You can have it.

Sincerely...

Shelly