I checked my journal for the first time in a long time and saw that it's been 48 weeks since I updated. Wow. Everything is good. I've gained and lost some people in my life. I'm on the upside of happy. I got a new computer. It's a Mac. And I love it. That's all I have time for.

I have decided, along with many others, to lose weight this year. I have a buddy doing it with me, so it shouldn't be too hard. So as I sit here eating my FAT FREE (!!!) cottage cheese and drinking my.....*gulp* Slim Fast I keep thinking to myself...is this worth it?? Is giving up smoking and Taco Bell worth it?? And then...then comes the rationality part of it all. The part that kicks in and sends me a vision of the last time I went to the doctor...and the heavy news that I would soon develop diabetes at 23 if I didn't get my weight down. Lovely!! So not only am I going to die from being obese, I'm not going to have any legs. Yes dears, it is time to become slim, trim, and absolutly FLAB-U-LESS!! :)

Dear Michael-

So. How's life? Yea, I'm okay. I'm better now that you're not around. It's been about 3 months since you left that message on my voice mail. "I just don't feel the same." You said that. Hope the military life makes you happy. I also hope you and Heidi are happy together. What's that you say? You're just friends. I see. Well...fuck that. You can have it.

Sincerely...

Shelly

So....yea....I should be doing my homework right now, but I'm not. I'm going to bed...

I have been thinking a lot lately. It seems like all I have time to do is think. Now....my life in the past...six months I'll say has done a 180. I never used to go out every weekend. I never used to drink like I do. I'm not going into drastic details. Not yet. It's just hard to watch all of my friends fall in love, get married, and have kids. I feel like the odd man out. Why is it so hard to find someone that's not either:

1. An internet buddy that I've know for...ever...and lives across the country.
2. Still a momma's boy.
3. A drunk.
4. An ass.
5. And of the above combinations and more.

Oh!! And I also forgot! Someone who just wants to use you for a night. Hell no. I'm getting older. Still young enough. But I want something real. Something that doesn't make me feel like shit. Or that I'm doing something wrong, all the while telling myself that it's the right thing, and I can't do better. Knowing damn well I can. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and redo half of the things that I've done....but would I still be the same? Who knows. It's just something to think about. I keep thinking maybe if I was prettier...or thinner...or different. But then, that's not good because if they can't see beyond the physical, are they worth it? Not in my book. I should take the time alone to think about what I want in the future. Not just the present. It's great to have someone to hang out with and have sex with occasionally, but it that worth hurting over? Probably not. Actually, I know it's not. Maybe being single for a while will do me some good. Taking it easy. Actually dating and not being in a relationship. Maybe I should try a convent. That would be interesting. And now...another list!

Things I Want In A Potential Boyfriend:


1. Someone who doesn't snore.
2. Someone polite.
3. Someone who can actually put up with me.
4. Someone who calls when they say they will.
5. Someone who won't make fun of my musical tastes.
6. Someone who actually has a life outside of video games.
7. Someone who doesn't mind tattoos/piercings.
8. Someone who won't change or act different way around different people.
9. Someone who won't laugh when I trip.
10. And many others.


It's almost 6. I need sleep....

So, Michael and I broke up. Saw that one coming! Anywho-

Last night I was hanging out with Heather and Jon. Jon's brother was there. It was insanely fun. Drinking and talking...OOOPS! It's 5 am...I had to be at work at 730 am. Ah well...grit your teeth, make it through the day...it'll be all right. I had to drop a class this semester. Financial Aide doesn't cover enough. It'll be okay. I'm taking more classes than I did last semester. I came home, took a nap...read the rest of the new HP. Cried like a little bitch. My childhood is OVER. Can't wait for Eclipse to come out...Aug 7th. After I read I decided to clean my room. Am I the only person who cleans their room and tells themselves that they spend too much money?? Alas...my sheets are in the washer...I'm going to be here for a while.

So, Ashley is officially gone. I helped her move her things to Jersey this weekend. It sucks without her not here. Who am I going to have around who won't yell at me and make me feel stupid? I think it's time to find new friends. Julia always feels the need to tell me how to handle my disagreements with other people. Heidi can't keep her damn mouth shut. I hate not having people around me I can trust. Michael's not around. He won't be back home until November, if we even last that long. Heidi's going to get in the way unless I talk to her, and honestly, I don't want to. If we were honest to God friends, she would say something. Ah well....

Have you ever had that one friend that you had to walk on egg shells around? Sometimes they're really, really nice. Other times you just want to strangle them. You know they're trying to work out their issues, but you always feel like a scapegoat around them. Like they'll do/say things they think are funny, but really hurt you. And when you try to bring it up, they just laugh it off....or yell at you and tell you to stop making such a big deal out of little things. Now, you see, said person used to be a really good friend. Always there. Helpful when needed....then things just exploded....I really want to talk to her, but I don't know how..

Is there anyone out there who is addicted to ITunes? I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I have an addiction....an obsession...I think I need to disconnect right now...but then what would I do? It's so much easier to just download the songs I want instead of buying the whole CD. ah well...